Dealing with fears

As the weeks went by, we wrestled with what was going on. Right after the 13 week scan we recognised a battle with fear. This ranged from tangible experiences like having terrible dreams and nightmares to an underlying concern about what the days, weeks, months and years ahead could hold. Fears included:

- having a second miscarriage, not only the physical and emotional process but the loss of innocence related to future pregnancies given that we were aware of the serious abnormalities in this one

- continuing with the pregnancy only to experience maternal health complications which could result in termination anyway

- grief

- giving birth to a dead baby

- giving birth to a live baby whose medical needs would be beyond our ability to care or provide for

- the suffering personally and for our daughter if she survived

- what the implications would be financially

- what this would mean for us socially and relationally

Recognising this battle with fear was the first step. We confessed this to our pastor who encouraged us to “keeping standing” in this storm we found ourselves in. Continuing with this pregnancy felt like a real spiritual battle.

We went away for a weekend up the West Coast to celebrate Rich’s job. We wanted to rest, worship and thank God, remember his goodness to us in our marriage and in our lives and come back refreshed and ready to get our lives in order before Rich started working. After dinner with friends on the Friday night, we drove up to Paternoster. We prayed powerfully as we drove asking God to be at work in and through us. As we were praying, we nearly drove into a cow on the road. Rich had to swerve to miss it but the car moved seamlessly and stayed on the road. We were stunned, freshly aware that we could have lost our lives if it were not for God’s hand of protection. And it spurred us on to pray more!

We had a glorious day in Paternoster and enjoyed exploring the beauty of Saldana, Langebaan and the West Coast National Park on our way back to Cape Town. We prayed as we drove back and really felt God speak to us about fearing him, and not fearing outcomes. This also meant putting our hope in God and not in outcomes. This revelation completely revitalised us. It was awesome, suddenly our liberty to pray and to ask God for healing increased, as well as our boldness and confidence in his goodness.